Exposure

Writing has always been something I loved, something I felt I was born to do, and perhaps even be good at. It has always helped that I've had a receptive audience for the little of it I have done. Be it from teachers, to competitions and even the random select people who have come across it. They've always been very positive and encouraging to a degree beyond civil and nicer than they have to be. All of which has boosted my ego, I guess, and helped me think of myself as a writer of sorts.

But the writer in me is pretty dormant. As much as I like to write, and there exist so many stories and ideas in my head, I've always limited my writing to the bear minimum I had to. In school it would be for assignment, essays or the occasional competition, though all of which I massively enjoyed and eagerly awaited the feedback. Since I've left school my actual writing has reduced drastically. But ironically I've found more things I want to write about, opinions I need to share, and feelings bottled up which I know I can’t share with anyone else, but myself, thus through writing.

As a person I've always been guarded with my feelings, more so in expressing them. I've always been ‘the sensible one’, who despite the conflicts between heart and head let the head have the final call. Therefore expressing myself completely to anyone, has always not been an option. I've been told that I’m a very good listener and a confident, but I guess I've never been able to trust anyone enough to be completely exposed to them. Not that I have a secret life or anything so adventurous of sorts. It’s just that on one side, I've always felt that listening was my job and I couldn't demand it from others, and also more importantly because I don’t want to be misunderstood.

I've always found that it is only with certain people that I can actually have proper conversations with, where our minds meet. So each of them may have bits and fractions of my thoughts, but no one the whole picture. Being misunderstood has nothing to do with hurt feelings or even other people for that matter. It’s just that there is so much going on in a persons head and on can only verbalize so much, and if the listener doesn't see the verbalized bits in context with the greater picture, I believe it will create misunderstood version.  There aren't many people who bother with such concentrated listening, or who try to ‘understand’ what you mean. They mostly take words for their literal value and convincing them otherwise is an ordeal with uncertain results, and frankly too much to demand from others. Therefore I truly believe that one can only have proper conversations with certain like-mined set. Not that they would agree with your views, but they would understand where it is coming from. But such individuals are not easy to come by.

Anyway the point I intended on making with all that gibberish was, that it is the above said reasoning that has kept me from writing as well. I've never maintained a journal in my life for the fear of someone coming across it. Because I've always felt that writing is the most honest and sincere form of expression I possess. Therefore be it fiction, prose or poetry, it would expose a part of my soul. Which is scary and makes me feel very vulnerable, something a control-freak like me is not generally comfortable with.

Therefore I've always admired writers, for being able wear their heart on their sleeve and expose parts of their soul. Even a piece of fiction has a part of you in it, be it another person’s story or a narrative. And any reader would generally know that much.

Therefore the new mission is to be brave and not worry about the exposure. Because it is this part of one’s soul that make great writing great, not the plot, not the fancy details. So here is to freeing of the soul and a pursuit in writing, to be able to speak to others and make one’s self vulnerable, which makes one a richer person in spirit.